


Something Pretentious About Life Not Being Black And White Or Something.

by dothebravethingandbraverywillfollow



Category: Original Work
Genre: Edgy teen, High School, Learning Disabilities, Multi, Other, Overthinking, Romance, Sexuality and all that confusing stuff, Strong language (like sooooo much swearing)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-27 17:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30126261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dothebravethingandbraverywillfollow/pseuds/dothebravethingandbraverywillfollow
Summary: "If this were a Disney channel movie, I’d narrate to you how I'm invisible and in love with the quarterback who's way out of my league, who also happens to be dating the bitchy girl who hates me. The funny thing is, even if I am invisible I don't mind it. It's not like I like most of the hormonal half-wits that I have the displeasure of being stuck with every day, and you can bet your ass I don't give two shits about Mr. Out Of My League. Unfortunately for me, his girlfriend sees our vague acquaintanceship and the fact that I'm his math tutor as a threat, so at leastoneof those Disney cliches is right."





	Something Pretentious About Life Not Being Black And White Or Something.

_“So ok. This whole thing started kind of typically, you know shy kid, bitchy popular girl…Shut up I'm channeling my 17-year-old self! Yeah well, you weren't-...oh whatever just be quiet! I mean it! But yeah **as I was saying** , my life was supposed to be simple. I knew everything, where my life was going, what people were thinking, everything, and yeah I wish I was exaggerating when I said that, but I'm not. I had an ego the size of China back then... ___

If this were a Disney channel movie, I’d narrate to you how I'm invisible and in love with the quarterback who's way out of my league, who also happens to be dating the bitchy girl who hates me. The funny thing is, even if I am invisible I don't mind it. It's not like I like most of the hormonal half-wits that I have the displeasure of being stuck with every day, and you can bet your ass I don't give two shits about Mr. Out Of My League. Unfortunately for me, his girlfriend sees our vague acquaintanceship and the fact that I'm his math tutor as a threat, so at least _one _of those Disney cliches is right.__

Stacey fucking Mcglochlan, she's insanely hot, and unlike the other popular girls at my school, gets her kicks out of tearing people down. If anyone was out of a Disney channel original movie it would be her, the shallow bitchy villain. Which is why the sight of her walking towards me can only spell trouble.

I put down my shitty hamburger with a sigh. I was so enjoying the peace and quiet. I look around at the trees and savor the coolness of the metal bench because she's definitely going to fuck things up. I look at her and she's smiling at me brightly. I don't buy it for a second. She's got a homemade lunch in her perfectly manicured hands and her blonde hair flows over her shoulder like a waterfall. She stops in front of my table, that maddeningly fake smile still in place.

“Hi!” She says with false cheer. “ Can I sit with you?” She asks as she _sits down _, gesturing vaguely at me with her oh-so-perfect hand.__

_‘Well, why did you fucking ask if you're just gonna sit anyway?’ _I think.__

I'm half tempted to say just that, but I won't deny that I'm curious about her change in mood. Still, just because I'm curious doesn't mean that I'm gonna play by her game.

“What do you want?” I ask as I pick up my burger and take a bite.

My eyes flit over to her and the absolute shock on her face is fucking beautiful. Still, she recovers quickly and smiles even faker than before.

“I just wanted to see if you'd like to go to a party at my house!” She says brightly.

My burger falls out of my hands.

_What? ___

I stare at her blankly and she stares back at me greedily. She hates me why the fuck would she-

Oh.

Oh my _fucking god _you have **got** to be kidding me.__

Does she really think that I actually even want to go to her party? And even if she does she can't think I'm _that _fucking stupid.__

“I'll take your stunned silence as a yes.” She says as she glances down at her nails looking for faults that aren't there. “It'll be on-”

“No.” I say. 

She blinks in confusion like she can't possibly understand anyone not wanting to spend their time with _her _.__

“What?!”

The fake smile is gone and she just looks mad, like really mad. Well, she can go fuck herself I'm not stupid enough to take that bait, thank you. I grab my hamburger and take another bite out of it, expecting that to be it; but when I don't hear her storming off like the petulant two-year-old she is, I sigh and look up. Her eyes have narrowed and her mouth puckers up like she just got a taste of her own bullshit; and if that's supposed to intimidate me, she’s out of luck.

_‘News flash Stacey, I'm not some shy kid you can manipulate into whatever you've got planned, and I'm not desperate for your approval either, you egotistical prick.’ _I think.__

Well fine, I gave her a chance to leave without me calling her on her bullshit. If she’s gonna stay and glare at me like _I’m _the one who had some stupid ass half-baked plot to humiliate her, then she can go stick herself up the ass of the horse she rode in on. I pick up my soda and drink a little, then I look at her, a picture of nonchalance.__

“Well, you've got some prank planned right?”

Her glare fades away into shock again. I take another sip, smiling into my soda. This is gonna be _great _. I look at her with my most naive face.__

“I show up then you drop some water on me or something, and everyone laughs at me and then you tell me that I'll never get your boyfriend or be popular or whatever.”

She gasps and I stare as shock and rage war within her. I was right: this is _hilarious _. I wonder how much of her plan I got right? She probably would have dropped something grosser than water on me, maybe blood, like in Carrie? Her eyes snap back to me, sharp and hateful. What a surprise.__

__“Who told you?” She says her voice shaking with anger._ _

God she's so _stupid _, I wonder how many brain cells of mine she's killing just by being here.__

__I raise an eyebrow and hold her gaze._ _

__“No one told me.” I say. “You're just really easy to read.”_ _

__I pop a fry into my mouth. Right, time to stop this stupid shit._ _

__“And by the way, your boyfriend is as stupid and shallow as you so don't worry I won't steal him away from you.”_ _

__Fucking Christ that felt good to say._ _

__She reels at me, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open in shock and I'm half tempted to take a picture. God this is _priceless _. For all her threats and plans now she has nothing to say. She really thought I was gonna take the bait.____

_‘Not how you thought things were gonna go huh?’ _I think with a feral smile.__

She stares at me blankly still in shock. I wonder how long that's gonna last. Not long enough that's for sure. I should probably leave come to think of it. She's bound to fall out of her shell shock eventually and I don't particularly care to see whatever nasty words she'll throw my way. Besides that, I'm not even angry anymore, so there's no point in sticking around. I get up lunch in hand and turn to walk away.

“Glad we got things cleared up.” I say over my shoulder.

Unfortunately, that must have pulled her out of her stupidity-induced shell shock, because the next thing I know she's on me like a fucking koala, and those **CLAWS** of hers are digging into my throat and it fucking _hurts. _I drop my lunch and notice distantly that my soda is spilling all over my shoes. Funny the things you notice in situations like this.__

“You little bitch! How _dare _-” She hisses in my ear.__

__Whatever else she plans on saying I don't know, because the distant memories of those self-defense classes I took in tenth grade are kicking in, and one of her hands is just where it should be._ _

__So I grab her hand,_ _

__And throw her over my shoulder._ _

__She screams and falls on the sidewalk with a satisfying thud. I look at her and as far as I can tell nothing's broken and she's not bleeding so…she's fine._ _

__I don't know if I'm disappointed by that or happy about it. She whimpers in pain and if it weren't for the fact that I'm bleeding because of her I might help her up. But I am bleeding and she's the heinous _bitch _who just attacked me. So I step over her and walk away.____

___I don't look back._ _ _

_...And that's how it started, sort of, kind of typically. There isn't much to talk about in the few months we were at each other's throats, because nothing really happened that we need to relive. The next thing that happened is something I wish I could forget, but well no one's **nice enough** to let me... ___

It's days like this that make me wish I was suicidal. Or maybe an alcoholic. It can't be more damaging to my brain than sitting here across from Jake Revere trying to teach him how to do a quadratic equation.

“I don't get it.” He says for what feels like the millionth time, staring at me with that dumbfounded expression.

It's an expression that would make most girls melt but all it does is make me want to scream.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I didn't know anyone could be this _stupid _.__

I swallow my frustration. It's not the poor bastard's fault he's so goddamn dumb, besides he's paying me to do this. I need to be nice. I resist the urge to sigh, then open my mouth to explain _again _, but he opens his stupid “perfect” lips before me.__

“Look can we just not do this?” He says running his hands through his artfully tousled hair. “ It hurts my head.”

_‘Not as much as you're hurting mine.’ _I think.__

He lifts his eyes to mine, his eyes wide and okay so maybe he's a total idiot but he _does _have his looks going for him and my brain goes offline for like a **fraction** of a second and I sort of just stare at him, and then reality slams into me with all the force of a sumo wrestler, and I snap my eyes away.__

No. 

No way I'm going there. 

No _fucking _way.__

I am not that shallow or that stupid thanks and even if I _was _he's taken by the bitchiest girl on the planet, who also happens to hate me with a passion, and just fuck-__

__Fuck everything._ _

__“Hey, Cadie?”_ _

He places a hand on my shoulder and I start and stare at him. He stares back pinning me with another look that I am so not falling for _not at all _and then,__

“ Doyouwannagoonadate?”

WHAT?!!

I stare at him blankly.

This is a joke or a mistake or he's just trying to get into my pants or- or something! Because there is no way, NO way that he actually wants to date **me** and even if he does that's just so _so _much worse.__

Anger suddenly swirls at the pit of my stomach because I hate Stacey-I really **really** do- but this fucking asshole thinks he can cheat on her with me because I'm what, _convenient _?__

Does he really think that I'll bend to his will just because he has a pretty face? Or does he think that I must have fallen head over heels for him just because we spent some time together alone? I scowl at him, filled with just as much hate as I feel for Stacey. Fuck him and his stupid pretty face.

“You’re not cheating on Stacey with _me _you asshat!” I hiss venomously and he recoils like I hit him.__

His brow furrows in confusion like he doesn't get how _I _a lowly nobody could turn him down. I cross my arms and scowl at him waiting for whatever half-assed excuse he cooks up.__

__He shifts a little, then grimaces, his brow furrowed like he's trying really hard to think of a good excuse._ _

_‘Well, this should be interesting if nothing else.’ _I think, tamping down on my anger long enough to wait for his brain to come back online.__

__“Stacey and I broke up.” He says woodenly._ _

Wow. He's a _really _shitty liar. I can practically see the strings Stacey is pulling from here. I sigh tiredly.__

__God I am so done with her shit._ _

I mean how can you be so petty all the time? It's already exhausting me and I'm the one who actually _has _a reason to hold a grudge.__

__I look at him contemplatively. If I call him out on his shit then this will keep going and going, but if I say yes and let Stacey do her thing, and then prove to her that there's not a thing she can do to break my spirit, well… There isn't much else she can do is there?_ _

__“Cadie?” He says softly, his face the picture of concern._ _

__Christ he's really hamming this up._ _

__I tighten my grip on my arms and stare at him with hard eyes._ _

__“So you really wanna date me?”_ _

__He shuffles a little and looks down, and I prepare myself for one hell of a terrible lie._ _

__“Yeah.” He says quietly, looking unexpectedly shy. “I kinda always did actually.”_ _

__His eyes meet mine and to my surprise, he looks kind of… sincere and for a second it's hard to look at anything else._ _

Then I remind myself just WHAT he's going along with, and whatever stupid _normal _part of me that wants to swoon at the sight of his gorgeous eyes get shoved back deep inside of me where it WILL stay.__

__He smirks and I don't care how it makes his eyes sparkle._ _

__“My sister is a science teacher actually, soooo…” He trails off staring at me earnestly._ _

__Fuck he's too good at this the bastard._ _

__I look down and push my stupid hormones in their self-appointed box._ _

__Right he was talking about… His sister right? I'm half tempted to ask again but admitting that he affects me like that is just- no. No, and fuck that._ _

__“I'm guessing that's a no.” He says effectively pulling me out of...whatever that was._ _

__My head snaps up and I look at him._ _

Oh Jesus fucking Christ _really _?__

He looks like a little kid who lost their favorite toy. He _can't _seriously think that people act like this when they're sad.__

__“No.” I say before I can overthink it. “ I'll do it.”_ _

__His eyes dart to me with that same over-the-top look, only this time it's hopeful._ _

__“Really?”_ _

__He looks like a kid on Christmas and it's so pure that for a second I forget why he asked me out in the first place._ _

__I smile._ _

__“Yeah.” I say warmer than I intended to._ _

__He smiles back and I can't stop myself from doing the same._ _

_Fuck _my goddamned hormones.__

_...Okay so- Oh my god stop making me laugh!... No, you're terrible, I told you to be quiet...Yeah, I do love you, now shut up, **please** . Okay, now where was I? Right. My “totally not a date” date… ___

So okay here's the thing. 

I've tried on like half of my wardrobe and none of it is good enough, and _no it is not because I want to look good for Jake _, It's just… It's Stacey ok? She'll mock me if I get all dressed up and if I don't well she’ll- She’ll um...okay so that's probably what I should do.__

__I grab a pair of sweats and my favorite hoodie and put them on._ _

__There. I'll go in this. There's no point in doing anything else, this isn't a real date._ _

__A second passes and then I throw my clothes off._ _

__Okay yeah, no way._ _

Maybe I won't go the full nine yards but I can't go on any kind of date fake or not without trying a _little _. It's for my own peace of mind more than anything really.__

__I look around the room with new eyes. Everything around me is too girlish, too normal, too slutty, and that just isn't me at all._ _

__I sigh and try to ignore just why that is. Ok. Time to dress for me. I put on a pair of skinny-jeans and a flowing blouse then look myself over critically. The red of the blouse stands out against my skin and the teal of the skinny jeans makes my eyes shine. Plus my ass looks damn good in skinny jeans. Not that that really matters…fake date and all._ _

__Still, I look good._ _

Hopefully whatever revenge Stacey has planned is codfish oil free. _Seriously _Stacey codfish oil? Of all things-__

__The doorbell rings and my shoulders tense. Right, moment of truth. I take a fortifying breath and go to open my bedroom door._ _

__The second I exit is (predictably) when things start going to shit._ _

My mom's already gotten to him, _of course _she has, and he sends me a look that screams “ Save me!”.__

__Poor bastard, I wouldn't wish my mom on anyone, even Stacey._ _

__“I'll see you there on Sunday won't I?” She says with a threatening smile._ _

__“Leave him alone mom.” I say tiredly._ _

They both turn to me and mom gives me a disappointed look, which is just _sooooo _surprising.__

__“Oh sweetie what happened to the dress I gave you.” She says like I'm a 2-month-old baby that spit-up on her favorite shirt and not a senior in high school._ _

__I sigh and roll my eyes._ _

“Oh sweetie what happened to the dress I gave you.” She says, like I'm a 2 month old baby that spit up on her favorite shirt and not a senior in high school.

I sigh and roll my eyes.

“Wasn't me.” I say briskly. She opens her mouth to say some other condescending bullshit but Jake beats her to it _thank god _.__

“No, she um-” He looks at me nervously. “I mean you look good Acadia.” He says and I can't really look away.

That's the first time he's used my full name, and it shouldn't feel like it means something, but he looks so sincere…

Ok, so either he's a really good actor or he _meant _that and if he meant that- well it doesn't mean anything right? So he thinks I'm hot. Guys wanna fuck anything that moves, and I'm not exactly ugly, it doesn't mean anything but...__

__But it is nice to hear._ _

__I smile and open my mouth to thank him, and unsurprisingly mom finds a way to make me feel like shit before I can._ _

__“Well if you say so.” She says, in her ‘I'm going to let you think you're right but you're clearly wrong’ voice._ _

__Anger wells up in me but I smash it down. I have enough shit to deal with tonight without fighting with mom anyways._ _

__“Whatever. Let's just go.” I say to Jake._ _

__He nods enthusiastically, probably happy to get away from my bitchoholic asswipe of a mother. I move to brush past her but she grabs my arm to stop me and the scent of roses washes over me._ _

Fuck do I _hate _that smell.__

I look at her impatiently trying to convey _‘What the fuck do you want?’ _without saying it. Her expression is surprisingly blank, which is good for her, and for one stupid second, I hope she might say something nice.__

__"I'm glad you got over your little experiment dear.” She says, dancing on the grave of my hopes._ _

She smiles and it's wide and toothy and _real _, and I hate it because it's not for me, not really.__

__I grit my teeth and rip my arm away from her._ _

“I'm not over _anything _mom.” I snarl venomously. “ I told you that I like BOTH, now leave me ALONE!”__

My voice cracks but no tears fall, I won't let them, not _here _.__

__Her face twists into a ball of fury and she reminds me of Stacey so much for a moment that it's surreal. Well, fuck this. I already have to deal with one petty bitch today, I'm not gonna waste my energy on her._ _

__I turn to Jake and feel suddenly sorry for him, he looks really uncomfortable. I smile at him weakly._ _

__“Sorry about that.” I say, genuinely meaning it._ _

__He shrugs awkwardly._ _

__“Come on.” I say grabbing his arm and dragging him to the door._ _

__I keep hearing all the things mom will say if I don't get out of dodge as soon as possible, from calling me a dyke or something worse to disowning me._ _

__But she doesn't say one word as I walk out the door._ _

__It isn't until I'm in his car that I relax. I know I won't have long, hell Stacey could pop out right now and fuck with me, but just knowing I'm in a car that will soon be moving away from my currently fucked home life is a relief. I sigh and lean my head back._ _

_Fuck _… things weren't supposed to go this bad this quickly.__

__A hand comes down on my shoulder and I start up before realizing that it's Jake trying to comfort me._ _

__His eyes are soft and kind and I'm too worn out to hate it. He squeezed my shoulder and that's somehow what gets rid of the tension in my neck._ _

__I smile at him._ _

__“Thanks.” I say softly._ _

__He grins at me charmingly and my smile widens, whether I want it to or not._ _

__“No prob.” He says casually as he starts the car._ _

__The silence drones on and I wait, deciding I won't put any more effort into this night than I have to._ _

__He doesn't say anything._ _

__Neither do I._ _

__He starts tapping the wheel anxiously._ _

__Oh god, that's really annoying._ _

__He keeps tapping._ _

__Why the fuck won't he turn on the radio?_ _

__The rhythm of his tapping stutters then continues._ _

__Tap…_ _

__Tap tap…_ _

__Tap…_ _

__Ok, that's it, fuck this not talking bullshit._ _

__“So where are we going?” I ask._ _

_‘Where does Stacey plan on humiliating me?’ _I think.__

____

He looks at me.

____

“I figured you could pick, you're smart and stuff, so I don't think you wanna watch a game with me.” He says with a rueful smile.

____

I blink.

____

I figured Stacey would have had a place planned, but then he could probably text her where we are. I guess her plan doesn't require a lot of set up which is good for my clothes.

____

I shake away the image of her making out with him in front of me and look at him thoughtfully.

____

Where should I take him? 

____

We could go to an interpretive dance center, or a stuffy museum, or some hipstery coffee shop, all of them would be great at making him regret fucking with me like he will.

____

“ Turn onto that road.” I instruct, pointing the opposite way of the city. “Then take the dirt road to the right.”

____

He does as I tell him too and I sit there silently screaming at myself.

____

Why there? Of all the places why did I decide to take him there? Why did I decide not only to show Stacey my safe space but Jake too?

____

Why do I still want to show it to him?

____

“So where are you taking me?” He says with a wide, open smile.

____

It's very hard not to smile back.

____

“I guess you just have to trust me.” I say airily.

____

I look at him for any traces of guilt in his expression at my words but there are none, in fact, he smiles like he has no cares in the world. I wait for the anger at his willingness to go along with this to bloom, but it doesn't.

____

Instead, I find myself feeling weary, too tired to even think about it.

____

So I won't.

____

“That won't be a problem.” Jake says.

____

His eyes are sparkling with warmth and his smile is wider than before.

____

Despite knowing I'm being played, I smile back.

____

Fuck.

_...Yeah so my mom was kind of a dick, but she got better. I guess she saw how pissed I was and finally got what she was doing to me. She really started trying to be supportive after that, not that I knew that at the time. No, right about then I was sure as soon as I went back all my stuff would be on the front porch lit on fire. Then again nothing I was sure of at the time ever came close to happening, you guys are proof of that... ___

When the car can't take the terrain anymore we walk. It's not that far anyway. Peace floods my senses. God I fucking love nature. Jake circles around the car, smiling.

I think this is the most I've ever seen him smile. 

But I'm not going to think about that right now. I push myself up off the side of the car and walk to him.

“ So creepy woods,” He looks at me with fake nervousness. “ you're not planning a demon sacrifice or something are you?” 

“ I thought you truste-” I begin to say but stop short, my thoughts fucking off to the volcano of oblivion.

He's holding my hand.

He's holding my hand I just- I- _WHAT?!_

__He lets my hand go and rubs his neck awkwardly, his cheeks stained pink._ _

__I can still feel the warmth of his hand in mine like a ghost._ _

__“Sorry.” He mutters, still not looking at me._ _

He's- he's embarrassed. Why the HELL would _he _be embarrassed?__

“You-” I cut myself off deciding against asking my thoughts. “ Why did you do that?”

He meets my gaze, and I can't breathe because he looks so-

NO. _No way _I am not going to think about this nononono NO!__

“I don't know.” He looks down at my hand. “ I just didn't think about it, it just felt right I guess.” He looks back up to me, his gaze piercing even though it shouldn't be. “Is that ok Acadia?”

Oh my god, he's fucking asking if he can hold my hand. 

What.

The.

Fuck.

He- he can't seriously want to hold my hand right? Right? This is just to lure me in so Stacey can humiliate me easier. I should just say no. I really really should but…he looks like he really just wants to hold my hand and I…

I want to hold his hand.

_Fuck _.__

__This is such a bad idea and I am so fucked and- and-_ _

_And _I'm going to do it anyway. Fuck the future, fuck the consequences, I want to hold his damn hand. I snatch his hand before my stupidity wears off and fuck I get what he means about it feeling right.__

__“Come on you big loaf.” I say with a smile that matches his own radiant grin. “ We've still got walking to do.” I pull him by our joined hands and begin leading him._ _

__I get five steps before the panic sets in._ _

What am I doing? No, wait fuck that, WHY am I doing this?? I shouldn't _care _, I shouldn't want this, to take him here, to hold his hand, any of it. But I do.__

__Oh god if I want to hold his hand then what else do I want?_ _

__I feel very suddenly like the wind has been knocked out of me. Shit. How long has this been going on?! How long have I-_ _

Have I what? It's not like I love him or even want him like that, he's just not smart enough for me. I want someone I can talk to about anything, so I couldn't want him like _that _. And even if I did… Well, that's a problem to think about later. There's no point in panicking. Right?__

__“So um, both?” Jake says eyeing me quizzically._ _

__A distraction. Thank fucking Christ._ _

__“Both what?” I ask._ _

__He looks down at the forest floor._ _

__“You said you like both? Back there.”_ _

__“Oh.”_ _

__So that's what he meant. I shouldn't tell him. It's practically spoon-feeding Stacey ammunition to screw me over but…_ _

__Fuck it._ _

__“I'm poly.” I mutter, watching him carefully for any signs of discomfort or confusion._ _

__There aren't any, even if he does look shocked. I look at my feet._ _

__“First person I dated was a chick. I told mom and she freaked, all that religious bullshit ya’ know?” I kick a pebble and it hits a large oak with a resounding thud. “It was like I was the perfect kid and then all of a sudden…” I trail off as tears start to blur my vision._ _

__We stop walking._ _

Fuck. I will not cry here. I can't. I _won't _. My eyes slam shut in an idiotic attempt to hold my tears back.__

__  
_Jake squeezes my hand and it helps me more than it should. He doesn't say anything and that helps even more. I'm not sure I can handle any bullshit condolences right now. A minute or so passes before I don't feel like I'm gonna explode into a puddle of tears anymore. I open my eyes. To find him staring at me._  


Shit, his eyes are so _green _.__

I look away abruptly shaking myself out of it, and then I tug on his hand.

“C’mon.” I say. 

He nods.

Silence.

“So,” I say when I feel less emotionally fucked up. “Since when did you start calling me Acadia?”

Curiosity bleeds into my tone no matter how hard I try to keep it neutral.

He laughs and runs his hand through his hair. He almost looks...embarrassed?

“Well...you seemed to like it.” He mutters.

Warmth floods through me at the thought that he would really start doing something just because I _like _it, that he even noticed in the first place, but I squash it down. That isn't his actual reason, it can't be, and I can't let myself get fooled.__

__Despite knowing this, I still smile so wide my face hurts._ _

__He smiles back and my heart starts pounding louder in my chest._ _

__I look away; happy to see the familiar sight of a large glass dome come into our view before I can say something really stupid._ _

__“A greenhouse?” He says his eyebrows shooting to the stars._ _

__He looks so bewildered that it's almost… cute._ _

__“Yeah.” I smile. “ There was a science museum here a few years ago. It ran out of funding, and no one's bought this place yet, so they left it.” I say._ _

__I look to him expecting him to comment on how weird it is that I brought him to some defunct old greenhouse but he just smiles like I've taken him to the best place in the world. A soft feeling blooms in my chest with such intensity that I can't breathe, can't do anything but smile back._ _

__We come to a stop at the greenhouse and I realize that I didn't even fucking notice until we had stopped walking._ _

__Christ what is happening to me?_ _

__I let go of his hand and rush to open the door, my cheek pricking with heat._ _

__Thank fuck I'm not Irish or something because there would be no hiding the fact I'm blushing then._ _

I stop for a moment after entering, the scent of roses, _real _roses, and lavender flooding my senses. I smile, taking in the sight of the greenhouse. It's always felt a bit like magic entering the greenhouse, like my own little world.__

__My eyes scan the rows of roses and lilies in bloom and my small little section of lavender and spices; looking automatically at what needs to be pruned and watered. Most of the flowers are fine since my last visit but the portland roses might need some-_ _

__“Woah.” Jake gasps behind me._ _

__I turn to look at him; I'd almost forgotten he was here. Probably because I've never shown this place to anyone before._ _

_'And I thought showing him would be a good idea. I'm a fucking moron.' ___

__I shake my head at myself and watch as his eyes dart around my garden like he's shocked to see so much life in here._ _

I don't blame him, who would think someone like _me _would be into gardening?__

__“ I thought you said this place was abandoned?” He says, his mouth hanging open slightly as he takes in the room._ _

__It's more than a little distracting and it takes me a second to even process what he just said._ _

__Stupid goddamn hormones._ _

__“It um was... I like to garden.” I laugh awkwardly and stick my hands into my pockets. He'll probably think it's really funny actually. Who wouldn't? The school loner likes flowers and gardening ha-fucking-ha._ _

__I look down at the water canister studying the bits of leftover soil on the table beneath it. I don't want to see his face when he laughs at me._ _

__"It's beautiful." He says, softly._ _

__My eyes snap up to his when the words sink in, searching for the lie in his eyes._ _

__But his eyes aren't on me._ _

__Instead, he's looking around the room like he wants to soak up every last detail._ _

__Awe._ _

That's what he's looking at my garden with, not surprise, _awe _.__

__His eyes stop, landing on me again, and it feels like he can see past everything I ever wanted to keep hidden, straight into my fucked up soul._ _

_Dammit. _I'm blushing again.__

“This is just so _you _Acadia. I love it.” He says with a warm smile that makes me feel like I'm melting from the inside-out.__

__I blink._ _

__Open my mouth._ _

__Shut it._ _

I shouldn't be surprised he'd say that, he has to, but there's no way he means it right? And even if he _did _mean it, it wouldn't matter because... I look down at the floor trying desperately to get myself under control. I'm reading too much into this, I know I am but I just-__

__No one's ever looked at anything I've done like that._ _

__Shit._ _

__There it is._ _

__I slam my eyes shut, giving myself thirty seconds to let all the emotion that brings sink in, then I shove it where all the rest of my shitty emotions go. It still takes about another fifteen seconds for me to feel like anything less than the epitome of a hot mess, but by the time I look up again an excuse is ready on my lips._ _

__Oh._ _

Jake is so much closer to me than before, hand outstretched for me. My words vanish into thin air. Was he going to _comfort _me?__

He couldn't have been right? But why would he have his hand out for me? None of this makes any fucking _sense! ___

I tear my eyes away from his still outstretched hand to search his face for an answer, but the second I do he snatches his hand back, rubs it along the back of his neck, and seems very happy to look at anything else but me.

"Was that uh… too much?" He asks as he shifts from one foot to the other.

I stare at him, barely even processing what he just said. "Too much" really?! Like everything he's done before that wasn't _"too much"_ ? Like he doesn't know exactly what he's doing to me?

And why the hell is he still standing so close to me?

My mouth feels dry all of a sudden and part of me wants to get some space between us, to make this go back to something I can understand. But he's so _close _, and it's hard to gather the willpower to step back when I could just reach out a little and-__

__"Acadia?" He says uncertainty written all over his face. I refocus on him as my cheeks flood with heat,_ _

__and realize that his are too._ _

He's _blushing _. Holy shit he's blushing. I resist the urge to smack myself. Of course he's blushing! I've been sitting here gawking at him like an idiot!__

I open my mouth then shuts it again, my cheeks practically burning. 

God this is so _embarrassing _. Where the hell am I even supposed to start explaining?__

An excruciatingly awkward second passes as I try to figure out what I'm gonna say, and come back with absolutely fuck-all. I open my mouth again. Fuck it. _Anything _is better than this.__

__"I've never shown anyone." I say, finally ripping my eyes away from him._ _

__It's not an answer or an apology for whatever the hell just happened but I can't bring myself to open my mouth again. Maybe we can just… move on. Pretend that didn't just happen._ _

"Oh." He says after a second, and even if it's not an answer he seems to have found one in my response anyway.

I chance a look at him just as a wide dopey grin spreads across his face.

"Well, you should show more people then." He says it like it's just that simple like I could show anyone and they'd just love it.

A burst of warmth swells in my chest so fast and sudden that it feels too big for my body. He can't just _say _stuff like that and sound like he means it! It's just-and he- Fuck what am I even supposed to do with that? And why on god's green fucked up earth can't I stop smiling?__

__Jake's smile grows wider to match mine, and it's hard, so goddamn hard not to stare._ _

__Because when he smiles like that he's even more gorgeous than he was before._ _

The warmth swells in me again, and I know right then that I can't just stand here staring and smiling at him like an idiot. I have to pay him back for tearing down all my defenses and turning me into a blushing mess _again _.__

__I don't think about it, I just move forward,_ _

__And press my lips to his._ _

_…So yeah don't make fun of me or anything but that kiss was like magical-...Oh my god, I told you not to make fun of me…yeah so what I'm a big sap, it's not like you aren't-...Oh my god yes you are! You made me a necklace for-...Oh shut up she's just as sappy as me and you know it babe! Now let me tell the story you assholes… ___

Holy shit I'm kissing Jake.

I'm kissing Jake! And I didn't mean to, or I don't think I did but it's- oh it's _so nice _. His lips are so soft and warm and his arms wrap around me and then he starts kissing back and christ it's so-__

__Oh My God._ _

He's kissing me _back _. He's not even pushing me away, he's- he's really-__

__I push away from him, and he's got this look that's sort of dazed-like that was the best kiss in the world and I just want to kiss him all over ag-_ _

__No. No, I need to focus._ _

Because he's trying to cheat on Stacey with me, and I should be angry. I should be so so _so _angry but I just can't be…__

__Fuck this boy makes me so stupid._ _

“ I can't do this.” The festering ball of emotions I've been trying to ignore claws its way out of my chest and it _hurts _.__

__His brow furrows._ _

“What's wrong?” He says like _he doesn't fucking know _.__

“THIS!” I shout. “ STOP KISSING ME LIKE IT _MEANS _SOMETHING!”__

__Oh._ _

__I said it._ _

__I look down at my feet and back away from him, my heart clenching painfully. God I never should have done this. I should have known that I'd let my hormones get the better of me just like every other stupid teenager on the-_ _

__“But it does mean something to me.” He says quietly._ _

__My head snaps up._ _

__What?!_ _

__He can't really- I mean he doesn't- but god he looks crestfallen like I just ripped his fucking heart out. What the fuck is going on?_ _

__“You- But what about Stacey?” I ask thoroughly confused._ _

__He looks equally confused._ _

__“I told you, we broke up.” he says._ _

__“Yeah but-”_ _

__Then it hits me like a punch to the gut._ _

__What if he really broke up with Stacey?_ _

What if this isn't some stupid plan to get back at me, what if he really wants to date me _oh god _.__

__“ You really want me?” I say, as my heart tries to beat itself out of my chest._ _

__“Yeah.” He looks up at me with sad eyes. “Why don't you believe me when I say that Acadia?”_ _

Fuck I'm such an _idiot _. This whole fucking time I didn't believe him, but he really just wanted me.__

He wants _me _.__

__“ I thought that she put you up to this.” I mutter. “God I'm so stupid.” I rub a hand over my face._ _

__“You thought I would do that to you?” He says, and Christ I thought he would be angry or horrified but he just sounds so small._ _

__I feel like a fucking monster._ _

__I look down at my feet._ _

__“You were just always so wrapped around her finger I thought…” I trail off not knowing what to say next or how to even fix this._ _

__Of course I'd fuck up the one good thing to happen to me._ _

__“You're right. I was wrapped around her finger,” Jake says. “ until she asked me to hurt you.”_ _

__My eyes snap to his face. He doesn't look angry or disgusted with me at all, he looks… he looks almost desperate to get me to understand._ _

“Oh.” I say in a breath. “Really?” I say even though he's already told me twice what he wants.

His brow furrows like it does when he's confused and this time instead of math or science it's me he doesn't understand.

“Yeah.” He frowns and looks down at my watering canister. “ Is that… I mean did you only say yes because you thought Stacey put me up to this?” He looks up at me again, his posture tense.

Did I? I mean he's sweet and I definitely want him but… Can I really do this? He can be so dumb sometimes-

Christ what am I thinking? That's _horrible _. He's been nothing but wonderful to me and I want him more than I've ever wanted anyone, even Liz. And now I'm thinking that I can't date him because he doesn't reach some bullshit IQ limit? Fuck I’m the world's biggest asshole.__

__I look up at Jake. He looks so scared that I'll say yes, and this time I know it's not an act, he really just feels that way. I didn't know someone so pure could exist let alone that it would be Jake._ _

Guilt festers in my heart. God he's so sweet and I'm this raging dickhole with mommy issues and it just- I can't- Even if I want him he shouldn't- No CAN'T date me. Because I won't let anyone hurt him not _ever _.__

__Including me._ _

__“It doesn't matter.” I say firmly even though the thought of stopping this hurts like a motherfucker. “ You shouldn't date me.”_ _

__His gaze shifts from scared to so sad it hurts my heart._ _

__“So you don't want to…” He trails off and fuck he looks like he's five seconds from bolting or crying._ _

__Fuck._ _

I promised myself I wouldn't hurt him and here I am doing just fucking that. I grab his arm before he can do anything because I just can't stand him looking at me with those sad eyes.

“I do want to.” I promise, holding his gaze. 

The way his eyes light up when I say that is the most wonderful thing I've ever seen, and I want so badly to just leave it at that but _I can't _. I release his arm and step back again.__

__“But that's why we can't. I never want to hurt you.” I somehow manage to say around the giant lump in my throat._ _

__“You won't.” He says warmly. “I trust you Acadia.” My eyes snap up to his and I feel suddenly filled with a righteous anger I've never felt before._ _

“Yes, I will! You have _no idea _what I've been thinking about you! That you were this dumb shallow asshole like you couldn't be anything else!” I shout, then slump back against a dusty table suddenly so very tired. “Like that's the only thing that matters.” I mutter, disgust with myself growing by the second.__

__I don't look at him afterward, because I can't. Instead, I stare at the dirt scattered on the floor and wait for anger or insults to come._ _

__“ Do you still think that?” He asks._ _

He doesn't sound angry or disgusted. Does he really not get how horrible I am? I look back up at him and see that the neutralness of his voice is not matched in his face. He looks scared. Again. Because of _me _.__

__“No!” I hurry to say just to get that look off his face. “ You're too… I don't think I could anymore.” I confess._ _

__His face morphs into a mask of determination._ _

__“Then I don't care.”_ _

__I stare at him incredulously. What?! He can't be serious! I just told him that I- And he-_ _

__His hands grip my shoulders gently and his eyes bore into mine._ _

__“I don't care Acadia. Everyone thinks bad things. You'd be treating me like an idiot if you didn't trust me to know that you're a good person.” He says firmly._ _

I search his eyes for disgust or condemnation but it just isn't there. He really means it. How the fuck does he do that? How does he take every bad thought I've ever had about him and tell me it doesn't matter and _mean _it? How does he even still want me at all?__

And more importantly, how the hell am I gonna say no to him now? Because he just asked me to trust him to trust me and I want to _god _do I want to but-__

__But what?_ _

He wants me somehow and I want him and there is _no reason _to say no. He's right too, I'd be treating him like an idiot if I pushed him away right now, and no matter what I used to think he's not stupid.__

__He's asking me to trust him, and I can't think of one good reason not to._ _

__“You should still be pissed at me.” I tell him in one last bid to get him to do something that makes sense._ _

__He smiles and there's a bitter edge to it that I hate._ _

__“It's ok. I'm shit at school stuff and everyone knows it.” His smile loses its edge and his eyes go soft. “That's what I like about you Acadia, you don't treat me like an idiot. Like Stace did.” His last words come out dejected and my heart clenches with anger._ _

__Because I want to blame Stacey and say she's the only one who's done something horrible but she isn't._ _

__The blame is on me too._ _

__I pull him into a hug before I can think about it and he leans into it and clings to me._ _

__God this is nice._ _

__“ Ok.” I say against his chest. “ We can do this. And I promise never to think of you like that again.” I look up to him. “ But you have to admit that that wasn't ok. No one should treat you like I was, even if it was just in my mind.” I say fiercely. His eyebrows fly up and he looks so adorably confused. His eyes dart all over the place like they do when he's thinking and when they come back to me they're warm in a way that I now fully admit makes me melt._ _

__“Ok. It wasn't ok. Can I kiss you now?” He says like a kid that's eager to get his vegetables out of the way to get to the sweets._ _

__I laugh harder than I have maybe ever and smile at him so wide my face hurts. He's smiling back just as wide and if I didn't want to kiss him before, well I definitely want to now._ _

__So I do._ _

__And for once my mind's not racing a million places at once, it's stuck here in this one moment._ _

__I couldn't think of a more perfect place for it to be._ _

_…Well you can guess what happened next so I won't go into detail, we started dating blah bla...Oh shut up you know I love you. But yeah anyway this is where you come in hon... ___

I haven't seen Stacey in a week. And when I say I haven't seen her I don't mean I've been avoiding her or that she's been sick, she's just been nowhere. And it's _weird _. Ever since me and Jake basically publicly announced we were dating, I've been waiting for her to snap and do something but she just...isn't. And the thing is, I want this to be over.__

__So instead of sitting with Jake at lunch, I kiss him goodbye and start looking for her. I figured it'd be easy, she'd be with the next hottest guy in the school or the snooty girls she calls friends but nope._ _

__Instead, I find her here in the last place I expected._ _

__The shade of the trees flickers with the wind across the metal table where all this bullshit started. I step in her direction cautiously half wondering if she's gonna pounce on me like last time._ _

__Something tells me I'd have the advantage considering the fact that she hasn't noticed I'm even here._ _

__“So did you come here for dramatic irony or something? Or is this a happy coincidence?” I ask, leaning casually against the oak tree that's at least as old as I am._ _

__Her eyes snap to me, beady and hateful._ _

__“Why are you here?” She says, her voice harsh._ _

__“I want this over.” I say, keeping my voice neutral as possible. “No more schemes and fighting. I'm tired of it aren't you?”_ _

__I look at her eyes carefully, expecting more glaring and harsh words._ _

__But as with everything these days, she does the exact opposite of what I expect. She slumps over, the fight draining out of her._ _

__“Well, you won. Now go.”_ _

__Her face is unreadable as she says this, but she sounds… She sounds defeated, and despite wanting all this shit over I don't think I even wanted to see her like this. Even if I did, it wouldn't be something I'm really that proud of._ _

__And if my mom can swallow her pride enough to fix things with me then I can do the same with Stacey._ _

__I walk over, sit beside her, and set my lunch down. She glares at me and opens her mouth to say what I’m sure is nothing nice, so I beat her to it before she can make me change my mind._ _

__“I'm sorry.” I say and to my surprise finding myself meaning it. “ I'm sorry any of this happened, Stacey.”_ _

__Her scowl deepens._ _

“ You're _sorry _?” She stares at me incredulously which I don't really blame her for.__

__Never in a million years would I have pictured myself here._ _

__I nod then rub my neck self-consciously._ _

__“ I didn't- well it wasn't my plan to steal Jake from you.” I laugh awkwardly. “ That just kind of happened.” I say._ _

__She scoffs._ _

“Say whatever you want _Cadie _you still stole him from me and this,” She gestures jerkily to me. “ this is you gloating.” She says with a glare that could scare a little kid at best.__

__I stare at her disbelievingly. How the hell does she take an apology and turn it into something cruel? Does she really think that everyone is just out to get her all the time?_ _

__It would make sense. Maybe that's even the reason she lost Jake because she was so desperate to keep him close that she ended up suffocating him. God that's so… well I don't know what it is but it makes me hate her less. My next words come out softer than before._ _

__“I didn't steal him from you, and this isn't me gloating.” I sigh. “Don't you get sick of hating me? Of being angry all the time?”_ _

__A flicker of understanding crosses her face and then it's gone underneath the armor of her scowl._ _

__It's all I really need to keep talking._ _

__“Look, Stacey, if you had asked me if I wanted Jake a few days ago I would have said no. I thought he was this big stupid shallow dick,” I take a deep breath, the beginnings of an idea coming to light. The question is should I do it? I sigh. “ but I was wrong, he's more. And if he's more you have to be too.” I hold out my hand to her, decision made. “ So let's start over.”_ _

__Her eyes widen and she stares from my hand to my face as if she expects me to pull it back any second._ _

__Knowing her I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly what she's thinking._ _

__“ I mean it.” I say, catching her eyes, trying to convey that I'm not lying._ _

__The second she gets it is when I expect her to laugh in my face but she doesn't. Instead, her expression becomes unreadable, no scowling or incredulousness, it's just blank._ _

__The seconds tick on and she makes no move to take my hand._ _

I make no move to pull it back, no matter how awkward it feels to be doing this. Because this is something Jake would do, and Jake is so much better a person than me so I can at least _try _to measure up in good-personatude with this one thing.__

__“What do you want?” She asks._ _

Her face is still expressionless but her voice is not. She sounds genuinely confused like she can't imagine I'd do this unless I _want _something from her.__

__It's unexpectedly sad._ _

__“Just what I said, to start over.” I promise._ _

__She stares at me, trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth._ _

__I stare back at her unwaveringly._ _

__She laughs._ _

__“What are you a saint?” She asks._ _

__Her words are mocking, but not filled with disdain like they were a few seconds ago._ _

__I smile._ _

__“So that's a no?” I say moving slowly to put my hand down._ _

__She scowls at me and I don't stop smiling._ _

__“No.” She says, annoyance clear in her tone. “I hope you don't expect us to be friends or whatever, because that's not gonna happen.” She looks down at her nails._ _

__A few days ago that gesture would have made my blood boil from its arrogance, but now I see it with new eyes. It's a way for her to save face after that little display of vulnerability she just showed me, and really out of all the things she could have said to me, it's not the worst._ _

__“You know starting over implies we should be nice to each other.” I say with a playful poke to her arm._ _

__She snorts and it's probably the first thing I've seen her do that isn't perfect._ _

__“ You wish.” She says,_ _

__I see her mouth curve up into a smirk._ _

__“ You've caught me.” I say dryly._ _

__Her smirk widens into a full-on smile and this time there's nothing fake about it. It's also the first time she's ever matched her looks with her personality._ _

I stand pushing that train of thought far _far _away because honestly, it's the last thing I need right now.__

__I extend my hand to her._ _

__“Jake’s waiting for me. Wanna come with?” I ask._ _

__Her smile falls._ _

__“I don't think he wants to see me.” She says, her eyes fixed resolutely on her lap._ _

__Doesn't he?_ _

__I frown and think of half-finished sentences and glances to an empty lunch seat. No, she's wrong. Jake misses her. Maybe I should be jealous of that but I'm not. I trust Jake, and weirdly enough, I sort of trust Stacey a little bit._ _

__I shake my head firmly._ _

__“I think he misses you,” I say. “and I know that you treated him like shit, but if we can make up then so can you two.” Her eyes are wide again and wow she kind of looks-_ _

__Ok yeah, still not going there._ _

__I grab her hand and tug on it gently. It's softer than Jake's hand._ _

__“ Come on.”_ _

__She tugs her hand out of my mine._ _

“You're taking your boyfriend's _ex _to make up with him.” She crosses her arms and looks at me like I've done something really stupid.__

“You realize this is like an _invitation _for me to steal him back.” She says, and ok it's a fair point.__

__But something tells me she isn't really planning on doing that._ _

__“I've decided to trust you.” I hold her gaze. “ Am I wrong to?” I ask._ _

__I already know the answer, but that's not why I asked. Her eyes stay on her lap and I can tell she's thinking. She sighs and looks back up at me._ _

__“No, I guess not.” She stands and grabs her lunch. “Let's go.” She says; her face is blank again._ _

__I turn to grab my own shitty cafeteria lunch thinking that's all I'm probably going to get from her today._ _

__Yet again she surprises me._ _

__“Thanks.” She says so quietly that I could almost mistake it for the wind._ _

__I smile and turn to her._ _

__“No problem.” I say._ _

__I grab her free hand and pull her down the way to the cafeteria._ _

__“Let's go before the bell rings or Jake will be mad at you forever.” I joke._ _

__She laughs and it's a beautiful sound, but maybe that's because it's the first time I've ever seen her laugh._ _

__“You know you're not as annoying as I thought you were.” She says, still smiling._ _

__Something warm stirs in my chest, coming from her that's god-like praise. I smile back._ _

__“Well, you're not as bitchy as I thought you were so we're even.” I say with a smile of my own._ _

__She snorts and shoves me lightly as we reach the door to the cafeteria._ _

_…So, I'm gonna get real for a second, just…don't interrupt me. Okay?... Okay, good… ___

I let her hand go and open the door to the cafeteria, as I do something like the opposite of deja vu washes over me. It's gone before I can even really understand it. The chattering of the cafeteria washes over me, and I lead Stacey through the crowd to where Jake and I were sitting.

_…I didn't know it at the time but, that feeling? It was because of you guys, it was because well…_

__We come into Jake's line of sight and he perks up when he sees us, like a puppy. Stacey does the same, and it's almost adorable._ _

_...before I met you guys my life was awful. I didn't think so but it was, high school was just one terrible obstacle course to get through so I could move out of my mom's and finally just be **me** … ___

__I smile, as the month's events wash over me, cementing the fact that they're real._ _

_…but with you two, I could never be anyone else. The point is, you guys make me better, happier... ___

__Before all this, I didn't have any friends or lovers and I was fine with that, really I was. Now, what have I got? A wonderfully sweet boyfriend and Stacey…whatever she and I are._ _

_…That's why I sat you down to tell you this. So you can understand how much you've changed me… ___

__The truth is I didn't expect or even want either. But with these two around well, I'm probably never going to get what I expect ever again._ _

_…Well that and other things, one other thing actually…_

__And you know what? That's okay._ _

_…And even if you- Just don't laugh at me okay? This is really hard for me…What I mean to say is… ___

__For the first time in my life, everything is okay._ _

_...will you marry me?” ___

**Author's Note:**

> In case anyone was wondering in my universe marriage between multiple people is a thing, and they both said yes. Thanks for reading! :)


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